My spiritual journey

It´s been a couple of weeks since me and S broke up. The first week was the hardest but I´ve come to the conclusion that I did something for me that can not be measured in time or money or anything.  I too have behaviour patterns that I took with me to the relationship with S.  First was the pattern of being hidden, to be a secret, to not let the whole world know that I´m in love with this beautiful man, the man of my dreams... I was not allowed to be in public and to show my love. I did not meet any of his family, he met all of mine. I don´t think though that he was ashamed of me, that would not be like S.  That is why I reacted strongly to be hidden away in the periphery, to be a note in his life not feeling that I was important enough to be with him and re-acted to what I was faced to. The second pattern is that I got all consumed thinking of him, all my leasure time I was not here, I remembered what he had said, how he reacted to my touch, his lips, his kiss, h...

A week ago today S and I came to a decision to end our relationship. It is sad but I had to make a stand for myself. I could not go on to be a  secret, something that had to be hidden away because of fear, fear that his children would leave him or have no further conctact with him. His fear is so great that he decided against love  Unfortunately he had a similar situation years ago with his older children. His former wife (mother of his younger children) thought that now that they had children, the older ones should not be included in the new family and here is when it gets bizarre. His children did not want to have contact with him since he had a new family and that they were not longer welcome in their lives. I understand that this was very difficult for him, he suffered a lot because the older children decided to no longer have contact with his father. He nowadays has kind of good contact with his daughter but his oldest son has not yet forgiven him, something I can und...

Another month has passed, we are now celbrating 2 months together, but we are not going to celebrate that. I don´t think that he remembers that it´s 2 months today. In this 2 months we´ve expirienced sadness, secrets, joy, love, sex, disappointment... well the whole facet of feelings...    The most upsetting for me is though  that he has not told his children about me, I mean the small children, and I think that in the long run it will be more difficult to explain why he did not tell them in the first place. I did tell him that the most important thing is that his children know, not his ex-wife. His ex still wants him back but he does not want to return. However, the situation is not the best but I accept it for now. The good thing though is that we love each other, and that is the main thing! I can sit in front of him and just look into his eyes and just look at him, doing nothing more than that, not talking or anything, just look into his blue beautiful eyes. He d...

Tomorrow we are celebrating our 1 month as a couple. It´s been an intresting month where a few things have appeared  in front of me, fotgotten feelings and hidden emotions. it´s not that S is to blame in any way, it´s me! I know, klichee, but it´s true. I still have certain problem with my self esteem and that is the problem, not S.  But I had a weekend alone, for myself and it finally erupted in an big cry and yelling and screaming in a pillow, I do not want my neighbours to ge scared, and it felt better afterwards. I understood that all this I´m feeling comes from a place that I never want to go again. A place where I thought bad of myself, full of self doubt. But not anymore. All that happens to me happens for a reason and I have created this situation. S has merely been the spark to ignite the fire and I know that he is here to stay. I love him.  He is still having problems with his ex wife who does not want to let go, but in the long run she will accept it and ...

It´s been a roller-coaster, this last month. Something wonderful has happened. In June we had a reunion, it was 30 years ago that I graduated high school and my friend and I thought about it and managed to get a gathering where the class would be together again after 30 years. We set the date and we planned and the day came. We met in Stockholm in fashionable Söder, and it was very pleasant to see each other again. We were only 6 out of 15 but it was a nice gathering. We had only 2 boys in our class K and S, S had not arrived yet so we sat down to order. He came a little late and everybody gave him a hug. He told me later that when he saw me it was just a feeling that he got, a gut feeling, a good feeling. We were seated next to each other and he talked about his life the last 30 years, about life and even death, he had suffered a heart attack a few years ago. I had been in love with him since high school but I never thought that he would be intrested in me. I noticed that he looked a...

The last months I have been feeling new or better old feelings that are rising again, feelings I have not been feeling for a very long time. It´s not that I have forgotten about them but I have not felt them for so long and the person who has helped me to feel them again is a young man E.  E is 20 years younger than me and he is working with me since last year. The last couple of months we have been drawn to each other but not on a sexual level but more on an intellectual level. We have fun talking and the fact that some people at my working place are bullies, it´s natural that we are drawn to each other, I don´t talk about those people behind their back and I just ignore them. We eat lunch together and have always something to talk about when it concerns life. He had surgery on a part of his body and it´s not getting better so he is quite nervous and a little bit down because it´s not getting better and he might can not go back to his studies. We talk a lot about everything an...

Hi! I know, it has been a while since I wrote something here but I had no patience this past months. Today it´s my sons birthday. He turns 14! Has it been that long since he was born??  Yes, time flies and too fast it seems! In January my father passed away. My brother and I decided that we had to go and hoped that we would be there on time and we did. My brother helped very much with his knowledge about cancer and treatments and pain relief and I´m sure that my father loves him and is thankful for the things he did.  My brother left two days before my father decided that it was time to leave this incarnation, I was not there but I think that he did not want me there when it was time for his transition. It was time to go and he decided that it was time. I saw my fathers body and it was not frightning or anything, he was my father and what made him my father was gone, only his body was left.  The next day was his funeral and he got all his honours and fanfare, and...