Patterns and the choice that we are been given to change them!
It´s been a couple of weeks since me and S broke up. The first week was the hardest but I´ve come to the conclusion that I did something for me that can not be measured in time or money or anything.
I too have behaviour patterns that I took with me to the relationship with S.
First was the pattern of being hidden, to be a secret, to not let the whole world know that I´m in love with this beautiful man, the man of my dreams... I was not allowed to be in public and to show my love. I did not meet any of his family, he met all of mine.
I don´t think though that he was ashamed of me, that would not be like S.
That is why I reacted strongly to be hidden away in the periphery, to be a note in his life not feeling that I was important enough to be with him and re-acted to what I was faced to.
The second pattern is that I got all consumed thinking of him, all my leasure time I was not here, I remembered what he had said, how he reacted to my touch, his lips, his kiss, his hands, every detail went through my mind over and over again. I forgot myself in him, there was no room for myself, I forgot that I too have a life to live separetely from him, where I do my stuff and that I too am important.
The third pattern that I have realized that I have is the waiting.
Wainting for him to come back, to appear on my doorstep again telling me that he is back and never going away again.
The wainting has been a pattern aswell, with S and D, and the only thing I could do is wait... but during that wainting my life passes and good and various opportunities go by without even noticing, because I get all consumed with the person. It almost felt as if I do not have a personality anymore, that my whole life is being put on hold and these lovely men have not requested that from me at all!
It´s has all being in my head and the patterns where there and now I see them, now I can choose not to follow them anymore. I can choose that! That is very simple really!
Since I have seen this, I have made decision about myself that I think will be beneficial for me and that I will problably will fall into them again but I will make new choices now that I know see clearly.
The first pattern is the easiest one, I have to stop re-acting to the fear of someone else, I had and have no fear of loosing someone, That would be disastrous and would only result in loosing the new acquaintance or partner once and again.
Certainly I´m not something that must be hidden but I will not longer re-act to the fact that the other person is doing this out of fear.
The second pattern is not so hard to do really, it´s a matter of choice again, I still have my daydreams about him but I will use the time I have been given to make something for myself, like painting, or reading, watch movies I like, go out with friends, all that that I have been missing out the last 3 months. Spend time with my children and go for longer walks with my dog. Spend time for myself by myself and just enjoy the silence.
The third pattern is the hardest one, the waiting.
I have been waiting for the love of my life to arrive, I had waited 23 years and it was when I gave up the thought that I would see him again that he showed up. Some months before he appeared I had a long "talk" with him where I told him that I could not longer wait, that I still would love him but that I too have a life to live.
That is exactly why I now am going to do just that, I will no longer wait for S. I still love him but it´s time for me to move on and if he comes back, than that is what it has to be, if not, then it never was.
Solong S, I still miss you but I´m letting you go and everything will be fine.
Namaste!
I too have behaviour patterns that I took with me to the relationship with S.
First was the pattern of being hidden, to be a secret, to not let the whole world know that I´m in love with this beautiful man, the man of my dreams... I was not allowed to be in public and to show my love. I did not meet any of his family, he met all of mine.
I don´t think though that he was ashamed of me, that would not be like S.
That is why I reacted strongly to be hidden away in the periphery, to be a note in his life not feeling that I was important enough to be with him and re-acted to what I was faced to.
The second pattern is that I got all consumed thinking of him, all my leasure time I was not here, I remembered what he had said, how he reacted to my touch, his lips, his kiss, his hands, every detail went through my mind over and over again. I forgot myself in him, there was no room for myself, I forgot that I too have a life to live separetely from him, where I do my stuff and that I too am important.
The third pattern that I have realized that I have is the waiting.
Wainting for him to come back, to appear on my doorstep again telling me that he is back and never going away again.
The wainting has been a pattern aswell, with S and D, and the only thing I could do is wait... but during that wainting my life passes and good and various opportunities go by without even noticing, because I get all consumed with the person. It almost felt as if I do not have a personality anymore, that my whole life is being put on hold and these lovely men have not requested that from me at all!
It´s has all being in my head and the patterns where there and now I see them, now I can choose not to follow them anymore. I can choose that! That is very simple really!
Since I have seen this, I have made decision about myself that I think will be beneficial for me and that I will problably will fall into them again but I will make new choices now that I know see clearly.
The first pattern is the easiest one, I have to stop re-acting to the fear of someone else, I had and have no fear of loosing someone, That would be disastrous and would only result in loosing the new acquaintance or partner once and again.
Certainly I´m not something that must be hidden but I will not longer re-act to the fact that the other person is doing this out of fear.
The second pattern is not so hard to do really, it´s a matter of choice again, I still have my daydreams about him but I will use the time I have been given to make something for myself, like painting, or reading, watch movies I like, go out with friends, all that that I have been missing out the last 3 months. Spend time with my children and go for longer walks with my dog. Spend time for myself by myself and just enjoy the silence.
The third pattern is the hardest one, the waiting.
I have been waiting for the love of my life to arrive, I had waited 23 years and it was when I gave up the thought that I would see him again that he showed up. Some months before he appeared I had a long "talk" with him where I told him that I could not longer wait, that I still would love him but that I too have a life to live.
That is exactly why I now am going to do just that, I will no longer wait for S. I still love him but it´s time for me to move on and if he comes back, than that is what it has to be, if not, then it never was.
Solong S, I still miss you but I´m letting you go and everything will be fine.
Namaste!
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