Inspired
Okay, I feel inspired (filled with spririt) to begin my writing. I´m not orignally from Sweden. I come from far away where people still have the warmth and they are interested to get to know you. My father was an officer (pilot) and my mom was a stay at home mom. My brother and I are close even though not so long ago we had a quarrel and we didn´t talk to each other for almost a year, but we have talked about it and today we are good. Blood is thicker than water.
When I think back to the time I was a little girl I have always talked to God, even though my parents are not religious at all. They did not even baptise us when we were children. They said then, that we had to decide for ourselfs if we wanted to be baptised when we are grown ups. I was baptised together with my daughter when she was 10 months old. I did it from my own free will.
I prayed as a young child but I felt unconfortable because since my parents were not religious at all it seemed strange to pray because I had never learned how to pray. But I prayed and I prayed the way I felt was okay for me. I know God understands and is glad that I believed in him/her/it/them.
Later as I got older, in my teenage years I prayed less and less, I don´t know why, maybe because as a teenager you have so many other thoughts about life, school, boys, disco (yes, that long ago!!!) I said often then that I was an atheist and tried to find explanations for the absence of God and why He could not exist (I thought that God was a He). How could it be that God did not stop the killings in the world, the abuse of children or animals, wars, illnesses, etc. I think I was angry at God for a long time. Looking through my old diary I see that I had my thoughts about society and the unjust world we are/were living in.
Later in my 20´s I was still an atheist but I was not longer angry at God, but strangely enough I prayed sometimes, but I was an atheist!!!! well, that´s what I thought.
When I became 30 I got pregnant. At that time I was living with my boyfriend who was 17 years my senior. I think I loved him, I´m not really sure because I had really met the love of my life 7 years earlier (but that is another story), so today I can say that I loved him but not the same way as the love of my life.
I felt really sick, everything hurt, I had all the symptoms of prenancy. I did a test and it didn´t show for sure if I was pregnant. My boyfriend became furious, I was not pregnant, I could not be, I was imagining and so on. But I knew that I was! I went to se the doctor but even he was not really sure so I had to take a blood test. Under that time I began thinking about this child that I had in my tummy, I already loved it, I could feel love for this little life inside of me and I could see myself with my child in my arms. I began looking for baby clothes and dreamed away a lot of time in the stores. It was a wonderful feeling! A few days later I went back to the doctor and he told me that I probably had lost my child, because the hormone levels in my blood suggested that I was pregnant but not any more.
I was devastated and even to this day I think about that feeling of loss and grief and my eyes get watery. It was really sad, and that is when I began to pray again. I prayed for strenght, peace and that my baby even though it had other plans was well up there in Heaven. My boyfriend was no support at all, I think he was relieved that he was not becoming a father. He is almost 65 today and he is still childless and will be until it´s time for him to make his transition. After that we hardly had sex, he was afraid of me getting pregnant again. It was okay by me because my feelings changed after that, I was than that a couple of days later I began making plans to get a job in tourism, and I got a job back in my country, a country I did not know, only from my parents stories. It was not hard at all leaving my boyfriend at the time but it was hard leaving this country that was my home and my lovely friends. I bought a ticket and one sunny day I left. My boyfriend was devastated but I had in my mind already left him, I was "going home" to see if my parents country, the country I was born in, was my home. But that is another story!
When I think back to the time I was a little girl I have always talked to God, even though my parents are not religious at all. They did not even baptise us when we were children. They said then, that we had to decide for ourselfs if we wanted to be baptised when we are grown ups. I was baptised together with my daughter when she was 10 months old. I did it from my own free will.
I prayed as a young child but I felt unconfortable because since my parents were not religious at all it seemed strange to pray because I had never learned how to pray. But I prayed and I prayed the way I felt was okay for me. I know God understands and is glad that I believed in him/her/it/them.
Later as I got older, in my teenage years I prayed less and less, I don´t know why, maybe because as a teenager you have so many other thoughts about life, school, boys, disco (yes, that long ago!!!) I said often then that I was an atheist and tried to find explanations for the absence of God and why He could not exist (I thought that God was a He). How could it be that God did not stop the killings in the world, the abuse of children or animals, wars, illnesses, etc. I think I was angry at God for a long time. Looking through my old diary I see that I had my thoughts about society and the unjust world we are/were living in.
Later in my 20´s I was still an atheist but I was not longer angry at God, but strangely enough I prayed sometimes, but I was an atheist!!!! well, that´s what I thought.
When I became 30 I got pregnant. At that time I was living with my boyfriend who was 17 years my senior. I think I loved him, I´m not really sure because I had really met the love of my life 7 years earlier (but that is another story), so today I can say that I loved him but not the same way as the love of my life.
I felt really sick, everything hurt, I had all the symptoms of prenancy. I did a test and it didn´t show for sure if I was pregnant. My boyfriend became furious, I was not pregnant, I could not be, I was imagining and so on. But I knew that I was! I went to se the doctor but even he was not really sure so I had to take a blood test. Under that time I began thinking about this child that I had in my tummy, I already loved it, I could feel love for this little life inside of me and I could see myself with my child in my arms. I began looking for baby clothes and dreamed away a lot of time in the stores. It was a wonderful feeling! A few days later I went back to the doctor and he told me that I probably had lost my child, because the hormone levels in my blood suggested that I was pregnant but not any more.
I was devastated and even to this day I think about that feeling of loss and grief and my eyes get watery. It was really sad, and that is when I began to pray again. I prayed for strenght, peace and that my baby even though it had other plans was well up there in Heaven. My boyfriend was no support at all, I think he was relieved that he was not becoming a father. He is almost 65 today and he is still childless and will be until it´s time for him to make his transition. After that we hardly had sex, he was afraid of me getting pregnant again. It was okay by me because my feelings changed after that, I was than that a couple of days later I began making plans to get a job in tourism, and I got a job back in my country, a country I did not know, only from my parents stories. It was not hard at all leaving my boyfriend at the time but it was hard leaving this country that was my home and my lovely friends. I bought a ticket and one sunny day I left. My boyfriend was devastated but I had in my mind already left him, I was "going home" to see if my parents country, the country I was born in, was my home. But that is another story!
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