Unthinkable thoughts

Today I want to talk about something that is difficult to talk about and that many people avoid because it gets too close to what you can bear or you are just afraid.

I want to talk about suicide.

This word is difficult to understand because the majority of us never would even think about this and I´m sure that many of us know or have in their acquintance someone that has done just that, suicide.

I never thought that one day I would have such thoughts. It was not that long ago, just about 7 or 8 months. 

We have had a lot of problems at work, we had meetings after meetings and we saw no inprovement about the situation. It was torture to go to work and feeling the constant gazing from some people if you really are working. You know how that feels? You have no trust anymore that you  are doing your job, people who are new at this question how you work, not that you are doing it wrong but that you are too slow and looking if you really are doing your job and not a private errant. It became a very toxic enviroment to that point that I just wanted to quit the next day, but the fear of what will become of you was there in the back of my head and kept me from quitting. 

The climax of this toxic enviroment was when we had one of those meetings again and we had to point at the person who we thought was the problem in the group. I pointed at one person and I have to say and it has been the most difficult thing that   I´ve done in my life. Nothing has been more challenging and more hurtful for me and the person than doing that. I felt so miserable, so low, so fillthy, I went into a depression. It was hard! I had trouble sleeping, the thing that kept me going were my children and family and my rehabilitation that I was attending at that time at our hospital. 

I often went for walks with my dog and that was the best way to be on my own and to cry without anyone around. It was october/november I think and for one day the thought came/appeared that I did not want to stay in this world, it is too much pain, too much trouble, hurt, and that is when for the first time I longed for to die, to just be run over by a bus or some alien coming down and taking me to a trip to never return. I had those thoughts for about a week and than they faded, I don´t know how but they did. 
Death seemed no more so inviting. I think that some Higher being interfiered because those bad or heavy thoughts disappeared and they have not come back and I doubt that they ever will. 

Death is not the answer or the solution, it is an act of cowardice and amazingly selfish, you only think about yourself, there is only you and your pain and nothing mattered. When I now think back I know that it was coward of me of confronting the person that I pointed out. I have talked to her just the two of us and I think that we had a good talk. 
I know she will never forget but neither will I and I know now that this will never happen again because I would have the strength this time to stop such foolish idea of a person who has some kind of education, that she did a big big big fault in encourage us to point out the person in front of a large group. That is bulliying a person nothing more and nothing less and I will fight that this happens to another person again! 

I know that death would have not solved anything. My belief is that suicide is just an idea that if I die I will not feel the way I feel now, but it´s wrong! 
What I think happens that you come what many of you would call a "limbo" a state between life and death, where nothing happens, you don´t evolve, you just wait for your soul to encarnate again because you have your plan that you once said "yes" to and it has to finish in order that that encarnation fullfills his/her destiny.
 
I never thought very concrete about how to take my life but the thought that I want out, was enough for me. 
It is still hard to talk about this and to write what moved me to even think those thoughts but I understand now what happens to a person when you feel that everything around you is falling apart and there is no safe haven. You just do not want to feel anything, just leave and there are no thoughts about anyone else, there is only you. 

I told my daughter about this because I wanted her to know how I felt, don´t even know how we even came into this subject. She reacted with so much anger, so disappointed in me that I even thought of that, was too strong for her. She cried and I let her but then I went in to explain and I finished with these words:
" Don´t judge me until you have walked in my shoes" .

I have a better understanding today of people that take their lives. 
I too have a friend that took his life only 2 years ago and it was hard for me. I felt the same that my daughter felt, anger and disappointment and sadness too. He was not even 50 years and I still miss him, I miss talking to him but it may have been him who helped me through this rough time and on thing is for sure:
Death is not the answer and it is not in our destiny to get to the other side by our own hands but to live our lifes, feel, live, love, taste and all that we can do in this encarnation and go when it is time, when it´s destined to leave this earth and go to the other side. . 

Namaste! 

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