The pain inside
I don`t feel well at all today. This feeling started last week but the sensation that something is going on, I´ve had for about two weeks. I´ve been experiencing nausea in the morning or sometimes during the day but also at night. I´ve had palpitaions for hours. I know for sure that I´m not pregnant so that is not it.
The climax was on friday last week when a co-worker exposed me in a meeting that I was not doing what was required of me, that I did not things the way she saw things. I just listened but I must say, I don´t really know what she was talking about and I really did not listen that attentive but the way she said it, reminded me of the way my father used to say things, she touched the scar that I´ve been having and that I thought was no more. But there it was in all its glory open for me to feel and feel the pain again. I was 5 years again, I could not say a thing, I could not even swallow, I felt short of breath, I felt that pain and it was growing and tears were showing up as a respons to the feeling. Instead, I said nothing.
A couple of minutes later she started crying because she felt she had been wrongly accused to be a bullie and that she had a thorn inside of her. She could not hold back the tears and she stood up and left the room. My boss after her. There we were left with the psycologist, a good man, the area manager and a HR-assistent. The same HR-assistent that persuaded us to name the person in front of the whole group that we thought was causing the problem in the group. It was an awful meeting and we felt all so bad, we had problems for weeks, we still do.
I felt that the feeling that was coming up was that I had a need to say that in public that what happened in that meeting way back than, was the shitiest thing I have ever done, and I told the HR-person that I thought that it was something that I´ve never done before, to accuse or point to a person and say in front of all, I think, you are the problem, that is bullying aswell.
I really said shittiest and I was very proud of myself because I said what I really felt for once and I did not care what she thought about it. I was not afraid of the consequenses. She said that it would be good that we two had a meeting and talked about this, I said that there is nothing to say about this anymore, this is the last time I brought this up and I wanted them all to hear this.
I cried, I get very emotional and when I see someone crying it´s hard for me not to get watery eyes.
All weekend I was not feeling alright, I had stomachache, I felt dizzy, nausea, I slept a lot, I thought of going to my boss and resign on the day. I began making plans to start my own business and I think I will do that, I have to make arrangements first, make a plan, going through some figures and than I will start my business of my own and resign.
The feelings though have not changed, I began crying and I was not feeling good at all, until yesterday I felt just awful.
I talked to my good friend A. She is a healer even though she does not really understands it fully, she is great. I left her a message and she called me and she began talking.
She intinctively said what I needed to hear and she told me this. When my co-worker said what she said I reacted not so much of what she said but the way she said things, opened the wound that I thought was healed, it started bleeding and I was 5 again, I could not defend myself, I could not say anything, I just froze, I saw my father and how he did the same thing all those years ago. I thought I had come over this, that I had cleared all that had to do with him but I had not.
Some wounds are still there and the Universe in his/hers Divine Wisdom helps me to take care of these emotions and puts me to the test. A. said that I have to feel this emotions, whatever they are, and just feel them and accept them, they are there and to feel them.
After a while they will fade because you have acknowledge them and you accept them. That is part of the Divine plan that I signed up for before coming to this incarnation. I will not condem or judge my father or my co-worker, they have been merely an instrument for me and showing me that I have some things to work on. I have to take care of my own emotions. That is part of being a human.
It felt so good to know that there is nothing wrong with me. I have no problems with my heart, she said that palpitations are a sign that I´m giving myself love by taking care of this and the heart is the maincenter of love so it´s not so strange that I feel this. With every feeling that is being taking care of you get a higher vibration in the soul, the body has to adjust but as it is solid in different vibrations than you could get nausea or like shivering inside. I had that too yesterday, I was cold, like when you start having a cold, like that. I took a shower and it helped me a little bit.
Today I´m feeling better and I´ve cried already once today but sitting here writing down my feelings and how I feel about it, makes me wanting to cry again and that is good. It means that the feeling inside is there to be taken care of and I have to show it, or yell into a pillow (so that the neighbours don´t call the police thinking that something has happened)
The feeling rippels on the surface and needs to come out and have a "voice", in this case the feeling will be a shout and it will dissolve. It´s great being a human! Namaste!
http://youtu.be/01QA90IuOYY
Shout-Tears for fears
The climax was on friday last week when a co-worker exposed me in a meeting that I was not doing what was required of me, that I did not things the way she saw things. I just listened but I must say, I don´t really know what she was talking about and I really did not listen that attentive but the way she said it, reminded me of the way my father used to say things, she touched the scar that I´ve been having and that I thought was no more. But there it was in all its glory open for me to feel and feel the pain again. I was 5 years again, I could not say a thing, I could not even swallow, I felt short of breath, I felt that pain and it was growing and tears were showing up as a respons to the feeling. Instead, I said nothing.
A couple of minutes later she started crying because she felt she had been wrongly accused to be a bullie and that she had a thorn inside of her. She could not hold back the tears and she stood up and left the room. My boss after her. There we were left with the psycologist, a good man, the area manager and a HR-assistent. The same HR-assistent that persuaded us to name the person in front of the whole group that we thought was causing the problem in the group. It was an awful meeting and we felt all so bad, we had problems for weeks, we still do.
I felt that the feeling that was coming up was that I had a need to say that in public that what happened in that meeting way back than, was the shitiest thing I have ever done, and I told the HR-person that I thought that it was something that I´ve never done before, to accuse or point to a person and say in front of all, I think, you are the problem, that is bullying aswell.
I really said shittiest and I was very proud of myself because I said what I really felt for once and I did not care what she thought about it. I was not afraid of the consequenses. She said that it would be good that we two had a meeting and talked about this, I said that there is nothing to say about this anymore, this is the last time I brought this up and I wanted them all to hear this.
I cried, I get very emotional and when I see someone crying it´s hard for me not to get watery eyes.
All weekend I was not feeling alright, I had stomachache, I felt dizzy, nausea, I slept a lot, I thought of going to my boss and resign on the day. I began making plans to start my own business and I think I will do that, I have to make arrangements first, make a plan, going through some figures and than I will start my business of my own and resign.
The feelings though have not changed, I began crying and I was not feeling good at all, until yesterday I felt just awful.
I talked to my good friend A. She is a healer even though she does not really understands it fully, she is great. I left her a message and she called me and she began talking.
She intinctively said what I needed to hear and she told me this. When my co-worker said what she said I reacted not so much of what she said but the way she said things, opened the wound that I thought was healed, it started bleeding and I was 5 again, I could not defend myself, I could not say anything, I just froze, I saw my father and how he did the same thing all those years ago. I thought I had come over this, that I had cleared all that had to do with him but I had not.
Some wounds are still there and the Universe in his/hers Divine Wisdom helps me to take care of these emotions and puts me to the test. A. said that I have to feel this emotions, whatever they are, and just feel them and accept them, they are there and to feel them.
After a while they will fade because you have acknowledge them and you accept them. That is part of the Divine plan that I signed up for before coming to this incarnation. I will not condem or judge my father or my co-worker, they have been merely an instrument for me and showing me that I have some things to work on. I have to take care of my own emotions. That is part of being a human.
It felt so good to know that there is nothing wrong with me. I have no problems with my heart, she said that palpitations are a sign that I´m giving myself love by taking care of this and the heart is the maincenter of love so it´s not so strange that I feel this. With every feeling that is being taking care of you get a higher vibration in the soul, the body has to adjust but as it is solid in different vibrations than you could get nausea or like shivering inside. I had that too yesterday, I was cold, like when you start having a cold, like that. I took a shower and it helped me a little bit.
Today I´m feeling better and I´ve cried already once today but sitting here writing down my feelings and how I feel about it, makes me wanting to cry again and that is good. It means that the feeling inside is there to be taken care of and I have to show it, or yell into a pillow (so that the neighbours don´t call the police thinking that something has happened)
The feeling rippels on the surface and needs to come out and have a "voice", in this case the feeling will be a shout and it will dissolve. It´s great being a human! Namaste!
http://youtu.be/01QA90IuOYY
Shout-Tears for fears
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